"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to let you in."

-- Robert Frost

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Worries of late

It's 2:00 A.M. Something has woken me up and now I lay awake doing what all moms do. List making and worrying about imaginary stuff in the dark. I'm sure it will all seem silly in the light of day but right now it circles around and around in my head.

Why has my teenage girl suddenly started holing up in her room as though the rest of us have the plague? Two weeks ago she was different. School has started and I know there comes an adjustment factor but I can't help but wonder what the cause is for the sudden moody disposition and aversion to our company.

Why did my oldest boy leave a paper on the counter answering a teacher's questions about himself saying that sometimes he doesn't feel very smart? Routine questions asked such as, what do you like, what don't you like, what are you good at -- that sort of thing. And why does he answer "I'm not good at anything?"

Does my middle child feel left out in our family? I hear her say, "I don't think anyone likes me." and I'm so afraid I didn't hug her enough today. I've got to do better at looking her in the eye and giving my undivided recognition to what she has to say.

When will number 4 and 5 stop fighting? Does there always have to be that much competition? And do I always have to walk away feeling like the unwelcome referee?

My baby will be bigger tomorrow than she was today and I'm not sure I was able to give her all of my full attention. So many external pulls on my time, not one of them as important as enjoying her smiles today and I'm pretty sure I missed the mark over dishes and laundry that could have waited to another time.

Doubt strikes in the midnight blackness and carries me off to the darkest of places. The what if's and the uncertainties are worse to me than monsters under my bed. And yet, I know it is the adversary's greatest wish to fill my head with self doubt and incapability. To grip my heart with distress over incompetent failure would be a victory there.

And so I remind myself that tomorrow is full of daylight and infinite possibility. I'll seize it and be better at what I was meant to be, to what I have chosen to be .. a mother. This "awakening" is more than just a single night's insomnia. It's an awareness to push forward, reach heavenward, and work harder at refining divinely inherent skills. It's a recollection of all the good and what I can do to magnify this stewardship. It's a renewal of spirit and reminder that I don't have to do it alone. Tomorrow has it's brand new start and I can rise and shine to it's occasion renewing resolve and shaking the blackness as I work to progress as mother to my children.

Goodnight, list of worries. Contending conscience, quiet down. There'll be work to do and tomorrow is another day.

3 comments:

  1. Thankfully, my doubts rarely come in the middle of the night. They linger with me during the day, making my mind whirl and wonder. Thankfully, I have found that if I start the day with scriptures and prayer, it seems to calm it down a notch or two. What I really wonder is "why did our mother's never seem to worry like we do?????"

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  2. They made it look easy didn't they? And yet in conversation with my own mother today, she encouraged me that such impressions in the night mean I'm in there and paying attention and ready with quick response to my fears. Feeling content that things are going well for an extended period of time when they might actually not be ... now that would be failure.

    And you are right. The only answer is prayer and hope.

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  3. Beautiful Marlowe. Thanks!!!

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