"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to let you in."

-- Robert Frost

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I had a moment

When I was pregnant with one of the other kids ... back before I could afford anything maternal to wear,  I resorted to donning Newel's shirts.  Later, every time I'd see one of those shirts with their pattern and color, I'd feel a slight wave of nausea.  Had to totally clean out his closet.

It's the same with certain restaurants or foods.  Doritos.  I can only stand to look at those things if I'm using them as the single one thing that's going to help me survive from point A to point B.

Funny that.

My mom says it was the same for her.  She cut out three little girl's dresses and then pregnancy nausea stopped her cold.  For years after that, when she'd pull out those dresses to finish them, she'd feel a little sick.

I don't want my computer and blogging to hold the same connotation so I've avoided sitting down.  Still life is swirling, whirling around me and at fourteen weeks, I'm hoping the bend in the corner is just up ahead.  I'm starting to wonder if I may never feel good again.


Over Christmas break, I had a moment.  One of those not so proud motherhood moments.  My poor kids had no idea why I felt so ill all the time and on top of it, I was pretty much filled up with eyeball rolling over requests for help in dish doing and general maintenance.

I'd just wrapped a gift for a certain child in our family and exiting my bedroom to place it under the tree, I was hit hard in the nose by dirty diaper smell.  Coincidentally, the same child whose gift I held in hand appeared and I randomly asked her to grab me a diaper so I could change the offender.

"I'm so tired of having to do everything for you!" rolled out so much quicker then I'm sure she intended.  Before I could stop myself, I silently and calmly (that's the part that does make me proud of me) opened the front door and frisbee-d her present across the snow covered driveway before taking myself back to my room.

It's really hard for sick pregnant mom and nice mom to coexist in the same space, I'm discovering.

Still, that's no excuse and of course, my conscience quickly took over and I retrieved the gift, rewrapped, apologized and thanked her for all of her help in our family and she then apologized too, feeling the sting of my silent message.

And then I slunk around feeling like I'd really lost my absolute last chance for 2011's mother of the year award.

I even lamented my fall from grace on the phone to my mother.  "I don't ever remember you flipping out." I said and to that she laughed heartily and exclaimed, "It worked!!"

What did?  I inquired.

She remembered being my age and talking this same way with a more experienced friend who assured her that children would remember nothing but the best of times, the smiles and hugs and here I was confirming that very truth.

And then the best ever gift from me to me arrived via the postal service.

How quickly we gathered around to flip page after page of all the year's fun memories!  Wasn't that a good day, we said time and time again.

I realized that for every one "fly off the handle" moment, there were so many great ones. And, I guess I write this is not because I want to remember my personal nastiness.  More importantly, maybe one day I'll have a daughter call me only remembering our great stuff in the midst of her own unpleasant angst and I don't want to forget to tell her, "It worked!!!"

And I want to be able to assure her that in her own book of life, those not so pretty moments sit in the shadow of 365 beautifully filled pages each year.


  1. You just captured my whole feelings towards Kraft Mac 'n Cheese. It got me through all-day morning sickness with three pregnancies and now that it's my kids' favorite food, I have to "suck it up" and just block out the sight/smell/everything whenever they ask me to make it.

    I love how we moms have the ability to just block out all of the bad further down the road, and apparently, so do our kids!

    1. Oh ... mac and cheese do that to me too! And egg nog ... and christmas lights ...

  2. Needed this today Marlowe. I too should make a book of our blog. Where did you do that ?

  3. Oh I'm so jealous that you are up to date on your blurbing. I was just working on the first half of 2010 when Russ got laid off and have been just working on the house since then...

  4. Oh goodness, I can completely relate to how you feel about the pregnant mom and the nice mom coexisting together. It's HARD to grow a baby and take care of the other kids, on top of nausea and being exhausted. I sure hope you're feeling better soon.
    Also, that book idea is a great one! I've often thought about doing the book from my blog, but now that I see how beautiful yours is, I think I may have to!

  5. that is the funniest thing ever. I love it. I have totally 'gone frisbee' on my kids before. That is a classic story. btw who did you print your blog through?

  6. Is that a book of your blog? Brilliant! How did you do it?

    Had to laugh at your struggles... I think my maternity clothes made me sick! I got rid of them as soon as possible after my last child. And I can't ever eat Popeye's mashed potatoes without thinking of my pregnancies because that was ALL I could eat in those moments of nausea. I don't know how you do it all! You're a great mom. Keep up the wonderful work. You will be so blessed one day when ALL of your children truly appreciate you, the life you've given them and everything you've done for them.

  7. Okay, but. IF I could remember Mom ever doing something like that, maybe it wouldn't have made her cool at the time, but on a day when I felt like doing that to my own brats-I-mean-kids, a memory like that would have been priceless. I do remember her sitting in the car crying over it all, and that makes it okay when I do it, somehow. So hey, it's a win-win!

    Oddly enough, whenever it turns to autumn, I feel a little ill, because four times I did the morning sickness thing in autumn. Luckily, we moved to somewhere where there ARE no seasons! Good luck. The corner's a-coming, sister.

  8. I can't believe you threw the Christmas present outside!! (and took a picture of it!) We all lose it at different times and really your "action" may have made more of an impact than if you had used words! The blog book is beautiful!! Details, please? hugs, cathy (are you taking an anti-nausea pre-natal vitamin? this helped me a lot with #3...I figured if it lessened the length of nauseusness then I was taking it!)

  9. I can give all of your friends details on your blog book for you: the answer is Blurb.com. And oh so easy to "slurp" your blog into their user friendly software and then organize your book!

    My question for you--did you use all of your blog posts, or only some of them?

    I have come back and commented again because I've really been thinking about this since I read it the first time. I don't believe I've ever heard (or remember hearing, which is a totally different thing, lol) that your kids will just remember the good times. But I LIKE THAT IDEA!! I hope that my kids don't remember the yelling mom who was so overwhelmed with three babies at the same time. I hope my kids don't remember the boring mom who never did anything. I hope my kids remember that we really have had wonderful times together, and I hope they remember that I thought they were the most awesome thing that ever happened in my life...